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Nanny Screening

Life Listicles By a Guilty Working Mother: 10 reasons why you'd rather your husband leaves than your nanny

You wake at 3am, heart racing. Your nightmare felt so real, so horribly real. The emptiness, the rising panic, the sheer terror

09/04/2019

 

Yep, you dreamt she'd gone. The day before the bake sale. Forget your lifelong partner, at that moment you realise that life isn't worth living without your nanny. Here's why:

She answers your texts in minutes

Reassuring: 'We made it on time. Went straight to the sand tray, no looking back.' 

Useful: 'Overtired. Steer clear until 7pm.'  

Tenacious: 'Has Thomas's mum had botox?'

She never forgets Mother's Day

Or birthdays. Or anniversaries. Cards made, their sweet names signed/stamped/ scribbled/handprinted. All made with love. And lots and lots of glitter.

She puts up with your crazy paranoia

'Hold their hands the minute they are out of the car.' 'She hates Mrs Lee remember!' 'Who did he play with at playtime?' 'Are you there yet?' 'Let me know the minute you get home.' 'Are you sure there's no rash?' 'Can you check again?' 'What was lunch? Did she eat it all?' 'What colour was her poo?'

She folds their pants

And their vests. And makes their beds like she's styling Homes & Gardens. And wipes the worksurface so by the time you get home you'd have no idea three children live there. And yes, she fills the car up with diesel. So far, Nanny 4: Husband 0.

She lets you play 'good cop'

One word: broccoli. She gets it in. And French beans. You don't have to hear the cries or see the mess. You just know it goes in. And come the weekend it's Pizza-the-tomato-sauce-is-kind-of-a-veg-Express and the living is easy, huh?

She keeps you young

When was the last time your other half taught you how to French plait? Gave you a crash course on SnapChat? Told you that you needed to stop wearing navy, that shellac ruined your nail beds and conch piercing didn't hurt after two Neurofen?

She's a great date

Those nights she stays behind to go through the diary and before you know it, it's midnight. Are you discussing Brexit? Your finances? When to put your father in a home? Nope. Your all-time-favourite topic. The children. And you can both talk about them until the wee small hours. Without wine. (Ok, so maybe with wine)

She bakes the cakes and you get the glory

Bake sale angst be gone! Now 'your' cakes are more talked about than Prue Leith's spoiler and Mary Berry's soggy bottoms. Just keep it to yourself, ok? 

She puts up with your mother-in-law

Before you know it, the grandparents will start 'popping by' during office hours and she'll have more gossip about the church choir than you can shake a drumstick at. The litmus test? If your granny spends more on your nanny than you this Christmas, you know you've struck gold.

She loves your most prized possession 

No, not the cat. Or the plants. Your babies! Your pride and joy. Why else would she come to work for you every day? Now THAT deserves a medal.

*Clearly, I'm not for one moment suggesting your partner is in any way redundant. He just needs to answer your texts more promptly from time to time. And ahem, Mother's Day is March 31st.

By A Guilty Working Mother.

 

GWM juggles three small people, a daily commute and increasingly saggy eyelids.

#lifelisticles #GWM #lifeinthemiddlelane #alsoslightdollobsession #dontjudge @barbiella_com

Next month:10 things to do when your nanny tells you she is pregnant

 
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