S*** 'Stuff' My Children Say

I read a very funny book recently, the title of which I won't repeat as I'll be done by the swear police (my children). It's written by Justin Halpern who recorded some of the priceless words of wisdom uttered by his elderly father



The book springs to mind because having spent the summer with my boys, they've come up with some priceless comments. Some are not repeatable. For example what my eldest son says every time we mention the name Penelope Cruz. He clearly has a penchant for certain parts of her anatomy.

Most of what they say I quickly forget. But there have been two recent conversations that even my aged brain has retained. Mainly because I was so surprised by what was being said that the words will be forever etched on my memory.  

Playing around

The first conversation took place one very sunny day in July. It was probably the only sunny day in July hence why I remember it. 

My eldest son decided he wanted to go and whack some golf balls around at a local municipal golf course. He's mature enough to do that on his own. So off he went for an afternoon of freedom. No parents and no younger brother to annoy him. Or give rubbish advice on his golf swing.

When we picked him up later that day, the 2 brothers happily chatted away in the back of the car. Conversations appeared to range from birdies to birds (human kind not feathered).

At one point during their conversation, my youngest turned to me and asked:

"What age do I have to be to play around with girls on my own?" 

I did an emergency stop of the car, and turned around in horror.  

"That won't be happening for a very long time young man," was my shocked reply.

"But why is my brother allowed to do that now?" 

"What are you talking about? He's not allowed to do that." 

"But he just did." 

By now my blood pressure was soaring and I was starting to panic. Had my eldest just used the excuse of a round of golf to hook up with some girls?  Then I realised that what my youngest actually said was "What age do I have to be to play a round of golf on my own?" 

They both had a right laugh about that. 

But at least order was restored and I don't have to worry about having the birds and bees conversation just yet.

Sex education

Not that they need any sex education from me. At their school they start that very early. My eldest has already seen a video of someone giving birth. And filmed from the "business end" as well. Not even my husband has got that close. He was passed out for one of the births and watching cricket on the TV for the other. Pretty much missed the whole thing. 

The upshot of them both having sex education so early is that they feel very comfortable talking to the husband and I about all manner of things. 

For example, when we were away a few weeks ago, my eldest needed a plaster. I told him to find one in my washbag up in my room. 

Later at bedtime I heard the two of them giggling. When I went in to their room, I asked my son if he'd found a plaster. 

"Yes I did, Mum," came his reply, "And I also found your stash of tampons." 

"Thank you for mentioning that darling." 

"Why do you need those Mummy?" piped up my youngest. "Aren't you menopausal?" 

"No, darling, I'm not." (Blood pressure rising again, or was that just a give-away hot flush?) 

"That's good," he said, "as I really want a younger brother and sister. So you and Dad can have sex now if you want. We'll just wear our headphones."

Far too knowledgeable for my liking. No more "playing around" with anything or anyone for either of them for some time yet I think.

Amanda Coxen, Working Mum and Tinies Director

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